Hands
by NoelleDashuri
Summary: "It wasn't his hands that scared her". Short drabble on JJ's possible thoughts during the final episodes of seasons 12 and 13. Minor spoilers.


**I don't own anything recognizable, and all characters belong to Criminal Minds and CBS. I'm just borrowing. If you could see my bank account, you would know I'm not making any money from this either! Just a short drabble on JJ's possible thoughts.**

It wasn't his hands that scared her.

When JJ tentatively handed him the folder that supported the story of the woman behind the glass, his long fingers crushed the paper before slamming it at the window. The angry outburst from the hands that were always so secure should have frightened her.

But it wasn't his hands that scared her.

When she rushed into the interview room behind him, to do _what_ she wasn't entirely sure, she watched as her best friend's hands, the same ones she watched make beautiful music on his keyboard countless times before, grab hold of the metal table and throw it out of the way like it weighed nothing. The resounding screech in the small room made her tense up.

But it wasn't his hands that scared her.

Logically, JJ knew that didn't make sense. But she knew these hands. The same hands she had watched do over a hundred magic tricks, the hands that held her son as newborn and helped mold him through the years, the hands that were in constant motion when their owner was speaking. Watching the hands that had once brought life into the world, now clenching tighter and tighter around Cats throat should have been what made her heart stop.

But it wasn't his hands that scared her.

Because she knew these hands. Despite the awful actions of them, they were still _his_ hands. Yanking, pulling, yelling. Doing whatever she could to get make him loose his grip.

"Spence!"

 _"I'm going to kill you"_

"Spence!"

 _"I'm going to kill you"_

"Spence, she's pregnant!"

The phrase felt wrong rolling off her tongue, but she didn't have time to think about that now. JJ kept repeating it, begging, demanding he let Cat go. When she finally managed to get him loose, and he let his hands fall away from her neck, seconds from completely cutting off her air supply, she caught a glimpse of the very thing that made her heart sink.

His eyes.

The eyes that could convey every emotion known the man and then some, the very eyes that lit up when the opportunity to share information arose. Through the years she had seen these eyes happy, sad, angry, confused, focused and content. But not once had she seen them _empty_. It was only there for a moment, but it was enough to shake JJ to her core. The anger, malice and hatred she saw only a few moments ago, she could deal with; the brokenness, defeat and sorrow that flooded his brown orbs only seconds later was a sigh of relief. But in that one moment she felt as though her best friend was only a stranger.

JJ spent the next few minutes in the hallway fighting tooth and nail to get him back. She reminded him that the actions of his hands _didn't_ frighten her, and that yes, she too, would have fought for her life. The familiar light came back with such a ferociousness, his victory in the horizon, that she thought she had fooled even herself; maybe she had no reason to fear his eyes.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

It was this false hope that kept her going for the next year. She could see the pain, the guilt, the self-loathing that quickly and efficiently claimed domain in his eyes. These were emotions she knew well, ones she could emphasize and offer her support on. In hindsight, maybe she did see the fleeting glimpses of emptiness enter occasionally, but she blocked it out. _It's only for a moment_ , she thought. _He'll come back in a moment_.

When it all came to a head, it shouldn't have shocked her. But sitting in the round-table room listening to Spence, her Spence that didn't even _like_ technology, explain about his mystery e-mail and consequential SWAT raid, she was floored. His appearance even managed to surprise her. Despite the changes happening for months, realizing that he was standing there with no sweater vest, no messenger bag, hair long and unkempt, facial hair... and above all, confidence, had JJ reeling.

"Tell me not to worry"

She went through the steps to get him alone, but once she did, she realized she was terrified. Despite her question, she didn't want him to turn around. But she had to know. The moment he turned to look at her, she knew. The nothingness was back in his eyes, and she stared, hard. Reiterated her statement, asked if he was keeping secrets. Despite his assurances, she knew. She had lost him.

As he shoved his hands deep in his pockets to turn away, JJ came to another realization.

In her fear of his eyes, she was beginning to fear his hands.

 **Despite how gloomy that ended, I am quite optimistic for these two. This idea just wouldn't leave me alone.**

 **Review if you would like, just go easy on me. This is my first time to post anything, so. Hope you enjoyed!**


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